2020- The Bizarre, The Humorous, the Good

In the year of 2020, we have found out, not how resourceful and intelligent our great country can be in times of trouble, but what bumbling idiots we are as a collective mass. In a time when we needed to social distance, we made all Americans squeeze into a handful of stores.  And when we all needed to be eating healthy for nutrients, for a time period, all restaurants closed with the exception of fast food. This caused an acute and turbulent need for toilet paper.

It’s no wonder that human rights protestors have emerged- some politicians like Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti have gone so far as to ban all unnecessary TALKING- I mean WALKING!

When Mayor Garcetti announced this, the press room erupted, “Mayor! Mayor! What about skipping?”

“Excuse me, Mayor! What about sashaying?”

“That will be enough,” Garcetti said curtly, as he tipped his hat and moonwalked out of the press room.

We did know from being teenagers that when we have nothing to better to do, “Would you rather” arguments like “Would you rather marry a girl who smells bad or a girl who is dumb?” get really heated.  And true to form, while we were bored out of our minds in quarantine, the question of “Would you rather have a senile president or a bully president?” took off into the nation’s most heated argument in recent history, right after whether the dress was gold or blue, with whispers of civil war.

This resulted in a flurry of political online petitions signed by your email, cell number, secret passwords, and social security number. And after that, “Thank you, you saved our country by signing all those online petitions!” became the sentence most uttered NEVER.

Boy, people were lonely and depressed in 2020.  One man named Scam Likely tried calling millions of people in the US, searching for a single friend, and no one would take his calls.

But there have been some highlights to this Titanic sinking- let’s not forget these goodies:

1) Though having the same name of a deadly virus, and even with the loss of professional sports, the Corona beer company did NOT suffer a setback in sales.  “Our customers understand that there’s no linkage between the virus and our beer,” said a Corona representative, trying to hide his surprise.  Either we are more intelligent than we thought, or Corona has a populace who never tire of the wisecrack, “Heh heh! I’d like some Corona in my body!” 

2) After announcing his presidential bid and dropping out and then surprising everyone by popping back up on the vice president ballot- “Psst, I’M STILL HERE!”- Kanye West conjured sentiment from us with his one word presidential concession speech sent via tweet: “Welp.”  That disappointed, concise statement made the best of us do a second look. Poor Kanye. Hope you get some Chick Fil A. With some lemonade. 

3)  The Chinese person who kept mailing seeds to random US citizens, what a winner!  Such a bizarre, humorous hobby!  He/she single handedly made our country tip into a frenzy of national security.  “BY ALL MEANS, DO NOT PLANT THE SEEDS! This could lead to invasive species infestations!  DO NOT PLANT THE SEEDS!” commanded the FBI, CIA, USDA, and GIFs.  What might be conceived in fruition? A three headed alien baby? The mutant child of Little Shop of Horror’s Audrey II? The Upside Down?

Well, nothing to look at here, folks, cause after days of investigative lab work and thousands of tax payer dollars, the mysterious seeds turned out to be plants and herbs like mint, sage, rosemary, and lavender. Just a nice Chinese person trying to enhance our American Thanksgiving dinners! 

4) We have been able to bypass an entire year of the high rise mom jean in trend.  It’s like God was speaking, “No, those are utterly reprehensible to the naked eye! I will spare the public and send a pandemic!”  But with all our covid 19 weight gain (for 19 lbs), not only do we get to skip the high rise mom jean, but we also may get to forego non elastic pants all together!  

5) Elon Musk named his baby boy X AE A-12, which later, due to laws not allowing numbers in names, had to be changed to X AE A-Xii.  I wish I were making that up.  Not only will people confuse his name with their product numbers, and avoid saying the tongue twister “X Musk”, alas the poor kid will have a lifetime of shouting into his phone, “NO, NOT E-X! Just X! I’M NAMED AFTER THE UNKNOWN VARIABLE! Oh, you don’t know what a variable is?  Of course you don’t, you’re in customer service! ...Hello? Hello? Anyone there?”  

Well, that’s 2020 in a wrap!  So much to be thankful for, and so much thanks all of this is now in the PAST!  We’ll have to see what 2021 holds in store- but if it’s talking to people named X and succumbing to the next awkward jean trend, I might just call Scam Likely and crawl back into my hole.

After all, I certainly have enough toilet paper.